Cabin Fever
by Thunder-Nari
Summary: The title is because this is what happens when I'm in too much. 100 prompts, 100 fics. They all will revolve around Simon but will have different pairings and characters. Slash happens! So does crack fic. And plenty of Wash.
1. Chapter 1

Well, lets start by giving an explanation. All of the stories that follow are in response to prompts from the Joss100 insane prompt table. You can find it on lj at the community joss100. There are 100 prompts to write 100 stories. I'll post them all as chapters rather than flood everything. All of these are under 1000 words and they are all crack fic basically. They all involve Simon in some way shape or form.

Slash abides here! Whether it's all out or just hints. So don't read if you don't like it. You have been warned.

So enjoy! These are meant to be for fun. Leave a comment if you liked it. Or if you didn't. Whatever.

The prompt used for the story will be in the title.

This first one involves Simon (le duh) and Wash.

**The Second Tuesday of Next Week**

Simon crossed his arms, his shadow looming over Wash and blocking out his view of the windscreen.

"You're late," Simon intoned in a voice just this side of pissed off.

Wash was looking up at him, contrite as could be. Simon wasn't buying it. "Uh... Late for what?"

"The infirmary. Next week. Tuesday, you said."

"No... I think...you're mistaken. 'Cause I said the...second Tuesday...of next week." Simon raised an eyebrow. "This is space! Time doesn't have meaning. And it's not the second Tuesday yet. So I'm sorry, doctor, but I just don't have time." Wash went stubbornly back to pretending to fly the ship.

Simon sighed, rolling his eyes. He wouldn't have thought anyone on this ship would cringe so much. "Everyone else has already gone through this and they're fine."

"Second Tuesday," Wash insisted.

"Fine," Simon gave in in frustration. He waited a beat with Wash watching him suspiciously from the corner of his eye. "Time has no meaning though, so it's the second Tuesday when I say it is. Hold out your arm, Wash."

Simon uncrossed his own arms and held up the far too large needle meant to inoculate them all before they were to set down planet side the next day. Wash whimpered and held his arms close.

"Don't make me get Jayne."

Wash sighed and held out his arm.


	2. Abracadabra

This one is Mal and Simon. Possibly slash, possibly innocent. Read into it what you like.

**Abracadabra**

"Mal!"

Mal ignored the loud screeching from behind him, intent on hobbling his way down the corridor. Away from that gorram infirmary and to the relative comfort of his own bunk. Those gos se medical beds were the most rutting uncomfortable things he'd ever had the displeasure of being forced to lie on.

"Mal, wait." The screeching got closer and he sighed in irritation to himself. Couldn't Simon just leave him be for more than five god damn minutes? He spun to face the doctor who pulled up short in surprise. "Mal.. What are you doing?"

"Goin' to bed."

"The infirmary is that way." Simon glanced back over his shoulder. As if Mal didn't know. Idiot doctor and he had to resist the urge to roll his eyes at Simon's blatant stupidity.

"Goin' to my _own_ bed."

Simon frowned his disapproval. As if Simon had the right to disapprove of anything that Mal – the _captain_ - did. "You shouldn't be leaving the infirmary yet, your injuries aren't nearly healed enough and you still need care."

"I'm fine."

"You're shaking." Simon's voice was too soft as he looked Mal over.

"Been in there for near a week. Ain't never had to stay in there this long before."

"You're lucky I let you up at all. What Niska did to you is-"

"Fine. Is fine."

"Mal! I didn't just wave my arms, say abracadabra and make it all better. You still need to be in there."

"I ain't listin' to this."

Simon opened his mouth again, Mal could already hear the protests in his head and he'd had enough. Didn't need Simon's shrill voice ringing through his skull anymore.

His fist collided with Simon's jaw and Mal was already walking away as Simon hit the floor.

* * *

"What the hell are you doin' in here, doc?" His words were muffled into the mattress that he'd collapsed on when he'd made it to his bunk. He'd not been down more than a few minutes before the sounds of someone else climbing down the ladder stirred him. Big surprise to hear Simon's voice.

"You won't let me treat you in the infirmary, then I'll have to do it here."

"I don't need anything." He tried to bat Simon away, so tired his arm felt like led. Simon caught his hand easily.

"Mal, there isn't anyone else here and I _am_ your doctor. You don't need to-"

"Chur ni-duh."

Simon sighed. "I'm going to give you a smoother to help you sleep. You can stay down here but I'm staying as well until you fall asleep."

Mal knew the tone. Simon wouldn't go away and Mal didn't have the energy to force him. Boy just kept coming back like a gorram pest. Always there watching. Protecting.

He felt the pinch of the needle in his arm. Simon wasn't letting go of his hand. The bunk stayed silent for a few minutes and Mal could feel the drugs pulling him blessedly under. There was just one thing he had to say to his ben tian sheng de doctor:

"Thank you."

He opened his eyes enough to catch Simon's grateful smile.

"You're welcome."


	3. Speed Dating

Jayne and Simon this time. Certainly hints at slash. There's a bit of Wash to the end because I hate leaving the insane pilot out.

**Speed Dating**

He's sitting at the table in the galley, not doing anything just enjoying a cup of tea, when it happens. One moment he's alone and the next Jayne is sitting across from him. Simon nearly sloshes his tea over the rim as he jumps. Jayne is a far quieter man than he ought to be.

"Can I help you?" Jayne is staring at him like he wants something. Or like he's thinking of whipping out his gun. Simon hasn't yet had occasion to speak to the merc and he really wasn't looking for the chance.

Jayne is silent for so long that Simon starts to wonder if he understood the simple question. Maybe he should dumb it down somehow?

"What planet did ya say you were from?"

Simon looks confused but answers nonetheless. "Osiris."

"A doctor, yeah?"

"Yes."

"Little bit cocky, ain't ya?"

"I...What?" This is catching him off guard and he has no clue where Jayne is heading with any of it.

"Not that I mind." And there's a leer to Jayne's voice that makes Simon want to shift uncomfortably and flee the room.

"Was there something you actually wanted, Jayne?"

"Just tryin' to make friendly like, get to know you a bit better."

"Oh." Simon thinks he would prefer it if Jayne were aiming his gun at him. It might not be so bad though if Jayne would just stop _grinning_ at him like that.

"Not much of a conversationalist, are you?"

"Um... I'm not..." He sighs and sits back, resigned to this...whatever it was that Jayne seemed insistent to put him through.

"'Course, don't really need you here for talkin'."

Simon's mouth clicks shut before he can say anything. He thinks he won't ask Jayne what he _is_ here for.

"That sister of yours around a lot?"

"Well...she does need a lot of care. So yes," he answers slowly, skeptically. Why can't he enjoy his tea in peace?

"Not much privacy then..." It's not a question this time and Jayne sounds – dare Simon even think it – contemplative.

Simon is never going to catch up with this.

Jayne purses his lips and gives Simon a slow once over. He's getting the squirming feeling again. Jayne makes a sound of dismissal and gets to his feet. "Not worth it." He walks out and leaves Simon staring baffled after him.

He feels strangely like he's just been put through a round of speed dating and summarily rejected. He looks back around to find that Wash has taken up Jayne's place, tapping fingers over the table and looking at Simon.

"So... Osiris, huh?"

Simon sighs. "Yes."


	4. 27

Mal/Simon blatant slash. They're yummy! Oh! Also, there is major character death in this one. Don't read if you don't want to see our boys die.

**27**

Twenty-seven seconds. That's how long they've got left before Serenity is going to hit the ground in a fiery explosion. They've been alerted to the fact by River.

27.

Twenty-seven seconds to panic.

26.

To have their lives flash before their eyes.

25.

To live.

24.

Simon's too busy staring into Mal's eyes to pay attention to anything else.

23.

Their gazes lock and the world falls away.

22.

Mal reaches for him when Serenity's shaking threatens to topple Simon to the ground.

21.

Mal's grip is firm as he holds onto Simon.

20.

Simon closes his eyes, all either of them can do is hold on, try not to look at the ground that's racing to meet them no matter what Wash does.

19.

There's a flash of something… River. Oh God, River…

18.

He tries to pull from Mal to reach for her instead. Mal just holds on. Kaylee has River and it hardly matters now.

17.

He stays with Mal.

16.

He should always have stayed with Mal.

15.

River won't stop counting down and Simon has never wanted to yell at her more.

14.

Better to think about nothing but the feel of Mal's arms around him.

13.

His arms around Mal. Mal's eyes are gorgeous.

12.

And Mal's lips feel right against his.

11.

Dammit.

10.

Everything flares back into sharp detail as they're thrown forward and broken apart.

9.

He's failed his sister. He failed Mal.

8.

Maybe his life does flash a little behind his eyes.

7.

For a second.

6.

He is such an idiot.

5.

But at least he's made his realization in time. Vaguely.

4.

He looks to Mal. "I love you."

3.

"I know."

2.

They've both been on this ship together for nearly a year but in the end…

1.

It really only takes them twenty-seven seconds to figure it out.

0.


	5. Tightly Coiled Piece of Metal

Omg, it's finally happened. This one is pure gen. No pairing. Just cuteness with Simon and Kaylee.

**Tightly Coiled Piece of Metal that's Fun for Everyone**

It figured. Here he was a genius, a once well respected doctor, brought up to enjoy the finer things in life. Once. Now he was reduced to scrabbling through trash heaps on some backwater moon, looking for…looking for… He looked across to Kaylee who was sifting through a pile of junk not too far off.

"What are we looking for again?"

She didn't even look to him as she answered. "Compression coil."

"Right… Which is?"

"A tightly coiled piece of metal." He knew that she was rolling her eyes at him.

He went back to his search. A few minutes later, he came up triumphantly and held his hand out for Kaylee to see.

"Like this?"

She closed her eyes when she saw and Simon immediately felt like ten kinds of idiot. "Simon, that's a slinky." She was trying far too hard not to laugh.

He looked at the slightly bouncy spring in his hand. "A what?"

She sighed and stepped over to him, taking the…slinky out of his surprised hand. "Come on, I'll show you."

He followed her back to Serenity in silent confusion. Watched as she climbed the stairs and motioned for him to wait by the bottom.

"What kinda childhood you have that you never heard of a slinky?"

Simon didn't get the chance to answer as she set the thing up and let it walk down the stairs. He watched as it came to a rest at his feet. He picked it up and brought it back up the stairs to her.

"That's…"

"Actually sorta boring?" She beamed at him.

"Can you do it again?"

Simon watched as the slinky walked down the stairs again. Mal leaned closer to Kaylee and spoke in a stage whisper.

"What _is_ the doc doin'? He's been there all day."

Kaylee grinned. "Reliving his childhood."

Simon went to collect the spring and do it all over again.


	6. Along Came a Spider

Here we are back to slash. Phew! This one being Mal/Simon again. There's Wash in it again though and if you look you can see the Mal/Simon/Wash.

**Along Came a Spider**

Everybody has a phobia. If you think you don't then you just haven't encountered it yet.

There's a spider loose somewhere on the ship. Simon thoroughly blames Kaylee. Not that he's afraid of spiders especially but this one is huge. Some sort of ubertrantula that he'd rather not wake up to find crawling across his face.

So they're hunting it. Overturning every bit of Serenity they can and Simon is finding new hiding places he'd never even considered before. Should make finding River a little easier next time.

They've been at this for hours though and he's about to consider just giving up. It's huge, they'll come across it eventually and then someone can shoot it. Provided Kaylee doesn't insist on making it a pet.

Turns out it really wasn't Kaylee that he should have been worrying about because the next thing he knows is that someone is screaming. The next and Jayne is hightailing it past him with Wash straight on his heels, a very large spider cupped in both hands.

Simon sighs as they run past him. It's a good thing that he found new hiding places because Wash is going to need them. Again. He's also going to need the infirmary soon from the looks of it and Simon turns to head in that direction.

He doesn't expect to find the infirmary locked down though, all the shades drawn. He frowns and taps on the door hoping that Jayne hasn't barricaded himself in there to hide from the spider. He jumps a little when one of the shades flick open and Mal's face peers out. The shade flicks closed again and he stands there in confusion until the doors slide open and Mal ushers him in quickly.

Simon turns to face Mal as he steps past. "Wash…found the spider."

Mal grins a little at that as he shuts and locks the doors again. "Heard Jayne screamin'."

"I came here to get the infirmary ready for Wash, he's going to need it."

"Probably a good idea."

Mal doesn't seem inclined towards talking, walking around the infirmary until he pulls himself up onto the exam table, legs dangling over the edge, and watches Simon idly.

"And the reason you're in here?" Simon chances asking after a moment.

"Lookin' for the spider."

"Right. With the door locked. And the shades down."

"Didn't want it getting out."

"Mal…"

"That is a big damn creature out there."

"You could shoot it."

"'Less it found me first."

"You're afraid of spiders…" Simon's tone softens in his surprised realization.

Mal is studying him and Simon steps closer to his side, resting a comforting hand over his knee. It was always like pulling teeth, getting Mal to talk, and it's easier to let Mal take the time to decide if he wants to.

"They had big spiders on Shadow. Aggressive. You stepped near one and disturbed it and they bit you… They could take down the cattle. Weren't trying to but…"

"They were probably scared. And this one has no poison…"

"Just saying. Wash comes near me with that thing and I'm shooting both him and the spider."

"As long as you don't shoot anything too important on him."

That gains a smile out of Mal and Simon moves to sit beside him, hand squeezing over his knee.

"Thunder."

"What?"

"I was always afraid of thunder. Or loud noises. Gunshots." Simon shrugs as he looks across to Mal. Who's looking guilty almost but there's not much to do about it. Simon closes his eyes as Mal's hand settles over the back of his neck.

"Sorry."

"Just saying."

"Hey, guys! We got a new pet!" They both jump at Wash's voice yelling through the doors and the quit moment is shattered as they share a look.

"I'm letting Jayne have him," Mal grouses.


	7. Insanity is Catching

And to follow up the last one we have some blatant Mal/Simon/Wash. Vera is also included in the fun. Jayne gets a mention.

**Insanity is Catching**

He needed, quite simply, to quit letting himself be talked into things. Rather, he needed to quit letting himself be talked into things by Wash. The man was clearly insane. And it was just as clearly catching because Simon kept finding himself going along without much thought to the consequences.

Until the consequences had already happened and he was hiding with Wash in one of the cargo holes. It was cramped and dark and Vera was in there as well, prodding him in the leg.

He _thought_ it was Vera. The way Wash's hand had taken to groping at his ass, Simon wasn't really too sure. He squeaked when Wash's fingers pinched.

"Shh! You don't want Jayne to hear us, do you?"

"Then quit doing that. Ah! Wash! Your hands are cold…"

And they were skating fingers over his stomach, pushing his shirt up out of the way. And that _definitely_ wasn't Vera at his hip. Which meant it definitely _was_ Vera at his leg.

"Oh god, Wash…" His hands had managed to find Wash's hair in the dark, gripping on as Wash's lips managed to find his neck.

"Shhh."

He tried not to whimper too loudly when Wash sucked at the skin.

They both let out cries of fear when the cover to their cramped cubbyhole was removed. Trying to shift away from the opening only gained twin bangs of head on metal and a mess of limbs.

Wash was the one that actually looked first. "Captain."

Mal was crouched in front of the hole and looking like he had no clue what emotion he should settle on. They both glared at him until Wash sighed. "Could you close that before you blow our cover?"

"You two are tryin' to hide?" Sounded like he was going with baffled.

The glares weren't letting up though so he shrugged and pulled the cover back into place. After he'd crawled into the space with them.

"Careful, Mal. And _watch_ where you're setting your knee," Simon hissed as Mal squirmed in between them.

"Ow! What… Is this Vera? What _are_ you two doin'?"

Wash shrugged as much as he could. "Passing time."

"Oh."

"Mal?"

"Yeah, Simon?"

"Move your knee a bit… Yes. Like that. Do it again." Simon moaned softly and got another hissed 'shh!' from Wash.

"You two do know what Jayne'll do to you he catches you with that gun, right?"

"Hence the hiding." Wash was all distracted logic as he found another thing for his hands to run over and took full advantage of it.

"You ain't doin' a very good job. Wash!" Mal yelped out in condemnation when Wash's fingers found and pinched sensitive skin. He jumped in a knee jerk reaction. Literally, as Simon was moaning and jerking away in the same instant.

"Oh god… Simon, I didn't-"

"You did."

"Gorramit, Wash, this is your fault."

"Sorry." Wash really didn't sound sorry as much as amused.

Simon glared through the tears building in his eyes and hoped he was aiming it at Wash. Who was definitely insane and just bringing Simon and Mal down as well now. Why did he agree to getting in this cubby?

"Here, just let me…"

Wash was moving before either of them could protest. Simon had no clue what he was trying to do. As if he ever did.

"Can you see what you're doing? What _are_ you doing?" Simon at least got an answer to the first question when Wash hit…something on the side of the metal wall.

"Ow ow ow…"

"Damn, I am glad I didn't miss this."

"Shhh! I think I heard something outside." Wash's voice dropped to a whisper. Silence finally fell in the cargo hole. For a short moment.

"Wash… Do you know where your mouth is right now?"

"I think it's obvious by now, Simon, that I actually don- Oh."

The sound of a zipper falling and then Simon was gasping. Mal's lips found his in the same instant and any thought of the consequences was once more thrown out the window. Screw it. Even if Jayne had heard, he'd be off to his bunk by this point anyway.


	8. Pickled Onion Beastie Bites

I don't like this one. The end.

**Pickled Onion Beastie Bites**

One of the best things about hitting a successful job and earning his cut, were the delicacies he could get afterwards when they touched down planet side.

While the others were off gathering whatever needed supplies, Simon took the opportunity of their distraction to sneak off to a smaller corner store. He made a beeline for the snack aisle, eyes searching out… There! And they had only one more bag of pickled onion.

He could taste them already as he reached out to grab them. Until someone's big…hairy…paw got in his way. He lifted his gaze from the bag to find Jayne standing next to him. He was smirking.

"Looks like we've got ourselves somethin' of a predicament."

Simon allowed himself a moment of quiet surprise that Jayne would know such a word and frowned at him. Jayne had his Beastie Bites. The last bag of pickled onion. This wouldn't do. He had been waiting weeks for these and they weren't exactly the easiest to find.

Simon drew himself up to full height, nothing compared to Jayne's but it could still have its effect. He used the 'don't mess with me' tone that he got when protecting River. Okay, so the snacks weren't exactly _that_ important but he wanted them. He would get them and god help Jayne if he got in the way.

"Actually, I don't think we do. I'll assume you remember our little talk?"

The instant guilt coupled with slight worry in Jayne's eyes said that he did. He sneered at Simon but wasn't meeting his gaze any longer. The bag was placed back on the shelf.

"Salt 'n' Vinegar taste better." Jayne grabbed another bag as he shouldered roughly past Simon, nearly knocking him into the shelves.

Simon was straightening himself back up when he heard Kaylee's excited exclamation of 'Pickled onion!'.

He looked up, just in time to see her pluck the bag from the shelf, shoot him a grin and walk off down the aisle with a bounce. He half raised a hand to stop her too late, words dieing on his tongue.

He watched her go with his snacks and listened to Jayne laughing at him from the end of aisle. Simon eyed him. He was fairly sure that Jayne also had the last bag of Salt 'n' Vinegar.

"Jayne!"


	9. Flying Purple People Eater

This one, I love. The first one I did actually (I posted these backwards). Simon and Wash. Cause he's crazy and we love him. Wash is my hero. Oh yes.

**One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater**

Things could be a little…different at night. When someone couldn't sleep, maybe hadn't been able to for several days, and it was obviously beginning to get to them. Sort of like cabin fever and you had to do _something_ to distract your attention from the fact that you were, to put it mildly, bored out of your mind.

But most people tended to do that in a more…subtle way rather than let the insanity show through for anyone walking by to see.

Simon stared at Wash like he had a horn growing out of his head. The analogy only came to mind because the thing staring at him from the piece of paper had a horn growing out of _its_ head. At least, Simon was assuming that that was its head. It did have an eye there.

"I'm just saying."

"That there should be things like that flying around eating us?"

He should have just grabbed his drink and gone back to bed like he'd intended. Not asked their clearly insane pilot what he was doing when Simon had noticed him hunched over the piece of paper at the table.

Wash rolled his eyes as if Simon were the dimmest thing he'd ever encountered.

"Just that it's weird that there aren't any. Y'know, aliens."

He probably shouldn't encourage but it was rather like some hideous accident. You couldn't look away no matter how morbid. "Maybe we just haven't found them yet."

It was almost intriguing, the way Wash's eyes lit up. "Ah! Now, see, what I think- Do you want to hear what I think?"

Simon gave a baffled nod before he could think better on it.

"I think that it's like the animals… Back on Earth-that-was?" Simon gave another dumb nod. "We pushed all the aliens out of their natural habitats, yeah? They probably fled the system ages ago."

"I see…" was the only response that Simon seemed capable of.

"Hey, Simon."

Simon raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"What color do you think they'd be?"

Simon stared. A beat. Two. "Purple," he deadpanned and turned to walk away.

Yep. Cabin fever.

He could hear Wash's crayon's scribbling over the paper.

And it had got to the pilot first.


	10. Cosmo Bowling

I am...a bitch. Yes. Poor Wash, I'm apparently rather cruel to him. Oh I love him really. This one has Wash, Jayne, Mal and Simon.

**Cosmo Bowling**

They're on a week of shore leave and so far Simon has spent five of the seven days holed up on the ship. Avoiding the Alliance is what he tells everyone. In truth, they've landed on a planet called Vegas and he just really doesn't want to get caught up in all the more...questionable activities that seem to go on outside.

River leaves him in frustration on the third day and goes out with Kaylee and Wash. They invite Simon but he refuses, shaking his head and stating that he could use the peace and quiet of an empty ship to get some work in the infirmary done. Inventory and...well, he'll think of something that needs doing, he's sure.

He's been waiting for it all week, though. The day when one of them come back severely injured from a bar fight or a mugging or...or something far worse. So he's not surprised when there's a ruckus in the cargo bay on the fifth day and someone – Mal – is shouting out for him.

Simon is running for the cargo bay, med kit in hand, calm panic settling firmly into his gut. Until he comes running around the corner and sees Mal with a grin splitting his face and Jayne nearly doubled over in his laughter.

Wash looks decidedly less happy, hanging onto Mal's side and cursing incredibly colourfully at the both of them.

Simon is instantly up to Wash's side, looking him over. He can instantly see that it's Wash's leg and he drops down to one knee. "What happened?" And why does everyone seem so amused? This close he can see that even Wash is having a hard time keeping his lips into a frown despite how angry his words sounded as he continued to swear. The smile fades entirely though when Simon's hands – feeling carefully along Wash's leg – encounter the break, causing Wash to cry out and jerk back. The cursing became even more inventive and loud.

"Sorry. What happened?" he repeats the question.

Mal is still grinning, still hanging onto Wash and holding the man up. "Bowling."

Jayne – who a moment ago had gotten the giggles under control – breaks out again, ignoring the daggers that Wash is glaring across to him.

"...Bowling?" Simon raises an eyebrow and must manage to look disapproving enough that Mal actually clears his throat and rubs his free hand over the back of his neck, giving a nod.

"Place called Cosmo Bowling. Jayne sorta...threw the ball into Wash's leg."

"It slipped!" Jayne instantly protests.

"Bi Zui!" Wash hisses.

Jayne is back into giggling already though. "Little man screeched, shoulda seen the look on his face."

"Not t' mention the look on everyone else's faces," Mal joins in now. "Made all the kids cry."

"Damn near made me cry as well. Have I mentioned the pain?"

Simon is already getting an injection ready and Wash sighs his relief as the painkillers are injected, his eyes closing to wait for them to take their effect.

"Lets get him to the infirmary. Jayne, help Mal." Simon's tone is sharp, barking out the order and Jayne hurries to listen them. Mal doesn't object either as they carefully help Wash limp his way to the infirmary.

Simon is pissed. At Jayne and Mal for acting so careless. Apparently he should have gone along just so that he could keep an eye on these three. Trust it to them to let something like this happen. They can get through dozens of fights or tight spots, but let them out to have fun and i that's /i when one of them gets seriously hurt.

And Jayne and Mal were both still giggling. Big children really.

"And since you two seem to think that this is so amusing, you can take care of him while he's got the cast on. Which means providing for his i every /i need and doing i anything /i he asks."

Simon smirks to himself as that manages to quiet the both of them and he catches the shared worried looks they give. But he's using his 'doctor tone' and they both know better than to argue. Wash's smirk matches his perfectly as they step into the infirmary.


	11. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Kaylee and Simon. Why yes, I am occasionally capable of writing and even enjoying het.

**Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious **

They're watching old Earth-that-was movies over the Cortex. Not many have survived with the times but special efforts have been taken to preserve the old ones. And if you stay up late enough you can catch them over broadcasts.

Kaylee had appeared at his door hours after he'd been comfortably sleeping, creeping into his room and crouching by his bed. She'd stared at him, face far too close to his, and nudged him until he'd woken with a start and a bitten off cry. He was sure he had been glaring at her but from her excitement he hadn't actually been able to tell.

"You have to come with me." She had been grinning, nearly bouncing, and had ignored his sleep muttered protests to drag him from the comfort of his bed and up to the bridge. She'd pushed him into the pilot's chair, flopped herself onto his lap and switched on the program before he'd had a chance to complain. An hour later, with her resting comfortably back against him and his arms loosely around her waist, he was a more than a little thankful for that.

Now, he's barely even paying attention to the old movie on the small screen. His eyes are closed and he's beginning to doze off to the feel of Kaylee's fingers running absent over his arm. He's seen the movie before, he knows it well. He doesn't notice when he starts to hum the tune of the current song quietly. Whispers the complicated words perfectly under his breath, 'Supercalifragilistic...'.

Kaylee jerks around in his arms to stare at him in surprise. "You did not just do that perfectly..."

Simon blushes an instant red and looks away, embarrassed at what he's been doing but smiling. He gives a little shrug, smiles more when Kaylee gives a gentle shove to his shoulder. "River used to do this to me," he says by way of quiet explanation. "Drag me out of bed in the middle of the night to watch old movies."

"I did not drag you." Kaylee rolls her eyes and it's true enough. Simon's glad to be here.

Kaylee rests against him again, her head against his shoulder. The movie still plays softly and after a moments silence, she starts to sing along. At her elbow prodding into his side, he joins her. It's soft singing for maybe five minutes before Kaylee gets into the swing of it and turns up the volume. They both sing along with the rest of the movie with grins and loud voices.

Wash watches the spectacle for another moment before shaking his head and turning to go back to bed.


	12. Wonderfully Whimsical

Oh but I still love the slash. Wash/Simon. It's ridiculously cute! And short!

**Wondefully Whimsical**

It's that pathetically whimsical look on Wash's face that does it to him. He is such an incredible sap and who is ever going to be able to say no to _that_ face?

Sure as hell not Simon, as he proves by spending what he can't afford to use by buying Wash a gorram toy of all things. But it's a raptor and Wash doesn't have one yet apparently. Can't buy it himself because he's already spent _his_ cut on the strawberries for Kaylee when she was the one looking pathetically whimsical at him.

End result, is Simon with considerably less money and Wash running up to his bridge to set the new dinosaur up next to the others. Simon watches him go in a kind of wonder before he's turning away.

He gets about two steps before a hand on his arm is stopping him. He turns to find Wash, right up close, and before he can react or step back, lips are on his in a chaste kiss. He gapes and Wash just grins.

When Wash turns to leave for good, Simon stares after him. Knowing he's got a pathetically wonderfully whimsical look on his face.


	13. Mr Bubbles

Mal and Simon. Pretty.

**Mr. Bubbles**

It would be a lot easier being the ship's medic if Mal could ever see fit to get him the supplies that he needed. Simon does what he can with his own cut, tries to stalk up on everything they'll likely need. But they can go weeks between stops and things have a tendency to run out. And people on this boat have a tendency to get hurt doing absolutely nothing.

As witnessed when there's a clamor in the hall, Simon turning just in time to watch Mal walk into the infirmary, Kaylee practically attached to his side. Simon can instantly see that Mal is cradling his right hand. He steps quickly to their sides, taking Mal's hand in his own without thought to inspect it first.

"Ow! Careful, doc."

"I told you not to touch that, Mal," Kaylee 'tsks' at him.

Simon looks up to them with a frown. "What happened?"

Mal gives him a lopsided smile, one that tells him not to worry, he's got it all under control. "Accident in the engine room."

Mal's hand is burned and with a sigh, Simon leads him over to the infirmaries sink. Getting the cold water running, Simon instructs Mal to keep his hand under it. Mal nearly yelps at the first touch of cold water and jerks his hand back. He's about to do the stubborn act and Simon puts on the 'don't you dare or I will make it so much worse for you' look. It works every time and on damn near any patient. It takes a second but Mal looks sheepish and holds his hand back under the low pressure stream of water.

Simon turns back to Kaylee. "I can take it from here, Kaylee."

She's busy scowling in worry at the captain but nods and turns to go. "Make sure you lecture him about _not_ leaning on the hot engine parts."

He waits until she's gone before turning back to Mal. It's only for a second but Simon manages to catch it. Mal standing slightly slumped against the counter, closing his eyes. He straightens up once he realizes that he's being watched again.

"Does that feel better?"

Mal hesitates but nods. "Yeah."

"Leave your hand there. I need to find something to wash the burn with. What happened?" Simon speaks absently as he goes to search his drawers, see what he has on hand, which he already knows isn't much.

Mal shrugs in answer. "Just lent against the wrong thing. Nothin' to worry about."

"You must have stayed there awhile... For a burn that bad."

Again, all Mal does is shrug and Simon frowns.

"How have you been sleeping?"

This startles Mal. He turns to face Simon with defensive eyes. "What?"

"You don't get a burn like that from just a seconds touch, captain. So you must have been tired to stay there long enough to do this." Doctor's eyes, trained for this, pick out everything that's wrong with Mal at a glance over. From tired eyes to shaking hands. Mal looks exhausted and it isn't doing anyone any good.

Predictable Mal, he just shakes his head and goes tight lipped. Simon sighs.

"I'm a doctor, Mal. You can tell me why you're not sleeping and expect full confidentiality. Or I can refuse to give you any painkillers for that hand." His tone carries a hint of teasing but he means it and Mal knows it.

"That don't hardly seem proper," Mal says, surprised. And more than a little irritated, Simon suspects.

All Simon does is smile, shuffling through his cabinets for another moment, through the meager supplies. He manages to come up with a bottle and turns back to Mal. "No. But I hear it doesn't matter out here anyway. It seems to be more about compromise. So?"

Mal's turn to sigh. He moves, bumps his hand and grimaces, before nodding.

Simon gives him a pleased look which only manages to make Mal give a roll of his eyes. "Good. Hold out your hand."

And he presents Mal with the bottle of sting-free Mr. Bubbles. Compromise.


	14. A Hard Days Night

Simon and Wash mostly. Just a friends thing. But then River sneaks in at the end and there's implied Simon/River. Incest! If you don't like it just don't read it.

**A Hard Days Night**

Getting around Serenity with a bullet wound in your leg could be a real pain. Literally and figuratively. He'd never really noticed before just how many steps were in the ship, just how hard the grates were to walk on. How jarring everything was. He never noticed how the ship was never really completely still. There was always this little thrum through it, a light vibration from the engine, that seemed to keep a perpetual state of discomfort to his aching leg. When all he wanted to do was to lie absolutely one-hundred percent still and he couldn't. Which meant that he couldn't sleep through the night, which meant that he was not just in pain, he was tired. Worse, he was bored. Insomnia wasn't something that he wanted to try too often.

It lead to him being up in the middle of the night, carefully and slowly wandering the ship, hoping that maybe he wouldn't be the only one kept awake. Didn't look like there was going to be much chance of that though. The place was a deserted ghost ship. The cargo bay and the galley and even the engine room. Simon felt the slump to his shoulders that he was going to have to give in and head back to his bed. Spend the rest of the night tossing. Maybe once he would have gone to wake River up but he couldn't now, didn't want to disturb any chance she might have at peaceful slumber.

One more place to check first though and he limped his way up the far too many stairs – whoever designed the Firefly needed a severe kick – and towards the bridge. He couldn't dredge up the energy for surprise when he found an expectant looking Wash waiting for him on the bridge. Just took a seat in the co-pilot's chair as gestured, glad to get the weight off his leg and beginning to wish that he'd never left his room after all.

"I could hear you," Wash answered the question he'd only vaguely even been thinking. With a smile and typical chirpy attitude. "You're not too graceful walking up those stairs, figured it had to be you."

"How do you do it?"

Wash gave him a puzzled look. "Walk up the stairs?"

Simon shook his head, annoyed and tired and not really in the mood. Maybe he shouldn't have wished for company tonight. "How do you stay on this ship? It's violent and dangerous and... You're not really a..."

"Gun slinging type?" Wash finished for him and Simon nodded. "Well, Serenity's got something special on her."

"And what's that?"

Wash shrugged. "Figure it out."

"What?" Simon nearly barked out at him, annoyance rising a level. The last thing he needed now were cryptic words.

Wash sighed, sitting forward and making sure that he had Simon's attention. "Look. I stay because of Zoe. I love her, I couldn't leave. So, figure out what's here that makes you stay."

"What's here..." Wash nodded. Simon chewed his lip and turned away from Wash to look out at the black instead. Just looking at it caused a little shudder to go through him. He hated ships. And this one was so often dangerous and with an unsavory crew... That did everything for him they could. That took care of...

"Simon."

...River. Simon and Wash turned to the small voice to find River standing in the door, looking down at the floor of Serenity.

"Simon, I can feel her. Always moving and talking. She wants us to dance." She held out her hand to Simon.

"Mei mei, you know I can't..."

"I'll do all the work. Another hard days night but I don't mind. You always did take a lot of looking after. Come."

Simon smiled and got to his feet, leaving Wash to watch them leave.

Wash loved Zoe and stayed for her. Simon loved River and stayed for i her /i .

All the stupid things they did for their girls. And knowing that neither of them would do it differently.


	15. Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

More incest. Only read if you like it. Simon/River. Taking place pre-series.

**Spanish Inquisition**

"River! ...What?" Simon barked out at her with such a comical look of confusion that River feared she would ruin the whole thing by breaking out into laughter.

She'd been sitting quietly with him on his bed while he did his homework, correcting him whenever he made a mistake – or came close to making one – and generally making him look annoyed. Which was fine but she was bored. And she knew just how to make things a little more entertaining.

She rolled her eyes as she thought it looked like he might just be thinking about bolting from the room. "It's not the Spanish Inquisition, Simon, just a question." She gave him a pouty look and batted her eyelashes at him. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Ai ye..." Simon muttered under his breath. "Yes, River. Prettiest girl I know. Now would you please let me get back to this?"

"That's wrong," River stated plainly.

"I know what I'm doing. It's just basic anatomy, River, and I think I know-"

"That's not what I meant." She reached over and flipped his medical book closed. She wanted his full attention and he was too busy trying to ignore her by focusing on his work. That wouldn't do. "You don't mean it. And you never answered my i first /i question." She crossed her arms and gave him a hurt look, one that she knew would make him fold. He was so predictable.

Simon sighed and set his pen down to give her the attention she wanted. "You i are /i pretty, River. But I am i not /i going to kiss you. You shouldn't even be... What made you even think about that?"

"I didn't ask you to. I only asked if you would. If you weren't my brother, would you want to?"

Simon shook his head and broke the eye contact with her. "I have to get my work done, River," he protested quietly.

Quietly. That's not what River had been expecting. She'd expected joking, laughing, him poking fun at her so that she could poke it right back. Get Simon to loosen up from his studying for just a little while. She knew when to stop pushing him though.

Nodding, she slid off the bed, preparing to leave in silence. She hated it when the jokes went to far. It took her a moment to realize why this one did and she shot a look back at Simon. He was already looking so intently at his book that he couldn't have been focused on it at all. She smiled a little and left the room with renewed bounce in her step.

Because the answer was that he would.


	16. Fly on the Wall

This one is Mal/Simon. Probably R rated, beware!

**Fly on the Wall**

There are times he just wished that he could understand anything of what went on in this ship. A fly on the wall to watch all the comings and goings. Or just to watch Mal. And maybe just the comings.

He snapped his head around when he thought he heard a noise from behind him but the corridor was empty. The only noises were the muffled ones that were coming up from Mal's bunk. Muffled, but Simon could still tell what Mal was doing. The ships walls were thin and Mal wasn't as quiet as he liked to think, at least not tonight when it had clicked over in Simon's mind just what Mal was doing down there when Simon had walked by his bunk.

Walked by Mal's bunk, gotten distracted by the muffled grunt he'd heard, and now he was standing in front of the hatch with his ear pressed to the cool metal and wishing he were inside. His cock hard within just a few minutes of listening to this, eyes closed and picturing every move. That little hiss had to be Mal running his thumb over the head of his cock, a longer groan was a hard tug, the harsh panting followed shorter strokes.

Simon gave off a moan to answer one of Mal's, soft and quiet. His hand itching to press to the front of his trousers and he curled his fingers around the ladder rungs on the hatch instead. This was truly the most pathetic thing that he'd done on this ship yet, and he'd done his own fair amount of stupid things. Listening outside Mal's door like he was dumbstruck just topped the list. He wasn't going to have masturbating in the hall added to that list. With his luck he'd get caught anyways.

And with his luck he'd get caught listening to Mal as well.

_That_ hissing hadn't been from Mal. Simon yelped as the hatch pushed open under his weight, as he fell forward against the ladder, surprise making him lose the grip he'd had on the bars and he braced himself to hit hard metal... Mal.

"Havin' some problem's there, doc?" The amused voice floats to Simon's ear while his head is still spinning.

"Uh?"

Mal chuckled. "You always listen' outside people's bunks, boy?"

Simon instantly blushed, trying to struggle away from the arms that were holding him. "Oh, god, Mal, I'm sorry, I was just...I..."

"Seems since you wanna interrupt a man's private time, least you could do is help him out."

The arms around Simon loosened and it finally hit him that Mal wasn't...hitting him. He looked up from where he'd fixed his gaze on some plant that was sitting on Mal's desk, meeting the man's eyes. "...Help?" Something that he was sure he should have been screaming for.

"A hand. Or whatever. Come on, doc, bed's just that way."

Mal stepped around, a swat on the ass propelling Simon forward with a big eyed look back over his shoulder. Seemed it was possible for something to be on the 'most pathetic' list and the 'best ever' list at the same time.


	17. Here so Far Away

Simon/River, pre-series.

**Here so Far Away**

He kissed her once.

Before she left. Right on the lips, the way a brother's not supposed to. But she's leaving the next morning and he can't. Can't go. Can't stay here and play the perfect doctor. Not without her.

He can't say the words either. _Stay, River, I need you to stay._

So he kisses her instead and his heart soars when she kisses him back. Her arms wind around his neck and she's kissing him back.

He tells her he loves her. She kisses him again. She has to go. _Simon, I have to go._ This is her life, she wants to go make something of it.

The thing is, that his life is nothing without her.

But he can't. Can't stop her so he kisses her instead.

Begs her to come back to him when he can already see that she's gone.


	18. It's Gone to Your Head

Another Simon/River pre-series piece.

**It's Gone to Your Head**

He's done it again. Aced another test and come home boasting the highest mark in his class. Father praises him and claps him on the back. All the prettiest girls want to be on his arm and all the most handsome guys want to be like him. Some of them wouldn't mind being on his arm as well. He has no shortage of attention and admirers.

Groupies would be a better word for it. Fawning after him like children after candy. And he forgets about the things that used to be important to him.

A knock at the door and River huffs out a breath, snapping her journal shut before she turns to see Simon standing in the doorway. She aims a glare his way but that self-satisfied smile plastered on his face isn't going anywhere. She doesn't care if this is childish jealousy, she's going to snap at him anyway.

"You're interrupting. Come back later."

He doesn't seem phased by her irritation and it just makes her fume a little more. "Mom wants you to come down for tea. What are you doing?" He gets a teasing smile and takes a step into the room. She already knows what he's going to do and snatches the journal up in her hands.

"Stay out of my room."

"Writing about a crush, mei-mei?"

Nobody could possibly be more infuriating than Simon. "Get out."

But he's already got it in his mind, stepping up to her and she already knows she won't win. She tries to hold the book out of his grasp but he's a genius and he's smarter than that. He doesn't even go for the book. His hands are too busy tickling over her sides. He knows where to hit her to have her near shrieking laughter.

"Simon! Stop it, get out!" She tries to push him away and just like that, he's got her book. She pales instantly. If he reads that then she knows he'll call her a baby or... She tries to snatch the book back but he's stepping back and flipping it open. "Simon." She's whining. Another thing that she doesn't care about in the moment.

He holds up one of his stupid long arms to keep her at bay. She huffs and gives up, it's too late now anyway, his grin fades as he scans over the words and now when he looks to her, it's in worry instead of amusement. She crosses her arms and aims a stinging glare at him.

"I told you not to read it."

"Mei mei... I'm never going to forget you. How could you think that?"

"Your head is so full of yourself that there's not room for anything else," she snaps and she's sulking. Pouty lips and angry eyes.

Simon, though, is too smart for his own good. He tosses the journal on her bed and moves before she can. Grabs hold of her again and this time when he's finished tickling her, they're both in a heap on the floor, her boneless from the laughter and just trying to breath. Simon gathers her helpless self into his arms and hugs her. She'd hit him if she felt she could raise an arm.

"Nothing is more important to me than you."

She looks up at him with big eyes. "Promise?"

"You know I do."

"Me too." She smiles and snuggles down against his chest, feels his breathing and decides that this is good enough. She can forgive him for being a little distracted. But if he so much as looks at that girl Trish the way she caught him the other day... She manages to gather the strength to thump her fist against his chest.

"Ow..."


	19. Rock Paper Scissors

The last one. I know! It was supposed to be 100 of these things but I've given up my claim to this challenge because...well, it's taking me forever and I lost interest. So, last one, this closes the odd series of ficlets.

This one is Mal/Simon/Jayne.

**Rock Paper Scissors  
**

Every damn time they thought they had a smooth plan, it went completely south. It didn't surprise Simon anymore. What did surprise him was the fact that Mal just still didn't seem to understand this. He went in grinning and saying how nothing could possibly go wrong. In and out, under an hour. They'd have the cashy goods. And to that, Simon said 'bullshit'.

It was no surprise when he turned out to be right. And it's gone even further south than he ever could have imagined. Because he was sat in some rutting backwater cell with Jayne and Mal sitting across from him. How did they get into these situations every gorramn time? And what had he done to deserve this? And was Jayne checking him out? He glared.

"Stop that."

"Pass the time, wouldn't it?" Now Jayne was outright leering at him. "Hey!" Mal smacked Jayne across the back of his head.

"Don't panic, Simon. Just gotta sit tight till Zoe comes."

"May as well do somethin' till then, stead of just sitting."

"No."

"Come on."

"Touch me, and I swear, Jayne, that you will not be able to feel your arm for a week the next time I have you in the infirmary." Jayne slowly drew the hand he'd been reaching out to Simon back. Mal was snickering. "Don't discount yourself, Mal, you got us into this." Mal's hands raised in placation but the smile still ticked at the corner of his lips.

Silence reigned for a good ten minutes and Simon enjoyed himself.

"You know, Jayne ain't wrong."

"No." Simon didn't even look at them. Didn't need to to see Jayne's triumphant smile or the resulting pout.

"Gonna just sit around here bored?" Jayne huffed.

"Could be awhile," Mal agreed.

"No."

"Aw, come on!" Simon leveled a glare at him that had Jayne backing down with a look of annoyance.

"If you want to keep entertained, I'm sure we can find another way. That involves all of us keeping our clothes on." Because he could just see it. Jayne was likely to suggest strip poker. And Mal was likely to go along with it just to keep Simon riled up which was just as likely Mal's entertainment on it's own.

"All right, doctor. What would you like to do? Twenty questions, truth or dare, rock paper scissors?" He said the last with a condescending drawl. Jayne was busy snickering.

"All right." Simon held out his closed fist. "If I win the two of you have to stay silent until Zoe gets here."

"If I win?"

"You can keep talking."

"That don't seem like much of a fair trade." Mal smirked. Simon figured he didn't need to actually hear what Mal would say. "I win...you keep your clothes on and you can keep just sitting there." Simon raised a skeptical eyebrow. "While you watch me and Jayne."

Jayne seemed to take that as open invitation to start on that now, grinning like a wolf and leaning to run his hand over Mal's chest. And Mal _knew_ that Simon couldn't resist that. The challenge or the sight. Besides, Simon knew that he could win this.

"Gentlemen..." He held his hand up higher and Mal copied him. Simon wondered vaguely how Mal could even think with the way Jayne was leaning over his shoulder, hand scratching over his chest. Simon shook his head from the sight to meet Mal's gaze and that raised eyebrow. "One two three..."

They both looked down. Paper beat rock and Mal stared at Simon. "Best two outta three?"

Simon smirked.


End file.
